


An Idiot's Guide to Matchmaking

by ourgirlfriday



Category: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Darwin is Alive, Erik is not a Happy Bunny, Hank is longsuffering, M/M, Matchmaking, Post-Film, This will all end in tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1817389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourgirlfriday/pseuds/ourgirlfriday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hank McCoy was the first to admit that, for a certified super genius, he could be really, really stupid. But he knows that the Professor is lonely, and, well, it's up to him, Alex, and Darwin to fix that.  What's the worst that could happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Idiot's Guide to Matchmaking

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to **Kageillusionz** for looking this over! Any mistakes are my own.

Hank McCoy was the first to admit that, for a certified super genius, he could be really, really stupid. There was the time in second grade when Eddie Franks from down the street convinced him that their math teacher was an alien from Neptune. And the time that he stayed up for 76 hours straight, building a smallish electromagnetic energy source. He’d only gone to bed when he realized that actually, he wasn’t being helped by a fleet of talking goats -- it was simply hallucinations. And there was the time he injected himself with an unknown medication and triggered advanced mutation, which, looking back, could have gone very, very badly. He’d instituted a strict ‘invention spotter’ rule after that, lest any future unpleasantness occur. 

But back to the point, Hank could be stupid, but he never realized it until after the fact. Which made sense, with the scientific method and all. However, looking at an enraged, lecturing Magneto from his strategic place behind Alex and Darwin (and no, he was not cowering, thank you very much), he thought ‘yeah, I probably should have realized this would all end in tears.’

It had seemed so straightforward, in his defense. After the entire ‘near assassination/stadium dropping/Nixon debacle’, he and the Professor had returned to Westchester. That first night, he’d helped the Professor go through all the cabinets and drawers in all the rooms (Seventy-two. Seventy-two rooms. Who needed seventy-two rooms? Even fifty seemed like overkill) and collected all the hidden alcohol. He’d been the one to pour every drop down the drain, and had avoided the scared, pained look in the Professor’s eyes. But before he could try to talk to the Professor about how he was doing, quitting alcohol and the serum and reefer (which he totally knew about, he’d been to college after all) and all that, they’d jumped into a new task: preparing the house to become a school again. 

Hank remembered how manic those weeks were: airing out rooms and dusting years’ worth of debris, changing linens, tearing out puce shag carpeting and replacing bead curtains with doors. He and the Professor had been too busy during the day and too exhausted at night to have any time for talk. It was an oversight, he knew now. Just because the Professor looked more like himself than he had in the past decade didn’t mean that he was okay. 

Alex had returned during the renovation, dragging a sheepish Darwin with him. The Professor didn’t even bother asking the ‘how are you not dead’ questions before pulling Darwin into a long hug. When Hank tried to ask, Alex just hit him in the arm and hissed, “you can’t just ask someone why they’re not dead, bozo!” And that was that. Alex and Darwin tackled the bunkers and training areas, as some of the training programs had gone feral since the students left. Alex’s concussive blasts and Darwin’s functional immortality were useful in dealing with that. It didn’t occur to Hank until later that the Professor might have assigned them those rooms for another reason -- seeing a happy couple probably hurt, after having the erstwhile love of your life try to kill your sister, a good part of the government, your protégé, and drop a stadium on you. 

He’d not realized it when the renovations were finished, or when the four of them scrambled to find teachers and students and resubmit information for licensing and credentials, or even when the first new students (and some returning faces) trickled into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. He and Darwin and Alex, along with Sean (who was frankly surprised to hear about the rumors of his demise), organized the curriculum while the Professor rolled between the wings of the building, checking on the students and making the teachers feel at ease but always, always on the go. They were half a semester in, the Professor never slowing down, smiling and guiding the children with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes, before Hank realized -- the Professor was lonely. 

He should have listened to Alex when he tried to throttle Hank upon hearing the ‘Get the Professor a Partner’ plan. 

“Oh my god,” Alex hissed, breaking Hank’s reverie. “Are you not listening _now_?”

“You might want to come back to the present, buddy,” Darwin chimed in.

“You weren’t listening?” Magneto complained bitterly. He appeared to be mid-gesticulation. Hank assumed he had been monologuing, but hear one Magnetologue, hear them all, really. 

“Sorry,” Hank admitted, rubbing a hand sheepishly through his thick blue fur. “Where were we again?”

“Magneto was just telling us how he can’t abandon his people for the whims of Xavier,” Darwin said. 

“If I could set down my banner, it would be for Charles,” Magneto said. “But I will not abandon my people. Not even for sweet, beautiful Charles.”

“Okay,” Alex sighed. He turned to Hank. “Who’s next on the list?”

“What? What list?” sputtered Magneto, losing his faraway look and stepping towards them. 

“Well, I was thinking since we were here, we could ask Magneto about using his powers to open a wormhole.”

“The bird lady? C’mon, Hank. I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” Darwin said.

“Well, Raven, Logan, Moira, Emma, the man in the black suit, and that woman from the supermarket haven’t worked out,” Alex groused. “I keep telling you, we should just take out an ad.”

“What?” Magneto said again, grabbing Hank by the arm. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Oh come off it, you didn’t think you’d be our first choice, did you?” Alex asked. “After the beach and the stadium and everything?”  


“We asked Raven first, but she just got really grossed out and yelled at us about being incest promoting pervs.” Darwin added. “But she did bring Logan back to see if the Professor’d be interested. Unfortunately, Beast here moved on that guy before the Professor had a chance. Go Beast, get your man!” Darwin held a hand out for a high five, which Hank returned after a long moment. 

“Shut up,” Hank muttered, decidedly not shuffling his feet or blushing. At all. 

“Moira’s still pissed off about the mindwipe thing, so pretty much told us to fuck off. Plus, I think she’s shacking up with a S.H.I.E.L.D. guy now. Emma laughed and told us to ask you.”

“I wasn’t on the list before?” Magneto asked, seeming offended. 

“Well, duh.” Alex huffed. Darwin rolled his eyes, but whether it was at Alex’s tone or Magneto’s irritation or the situation in general, Hank had no idea. 

“What does Charles have to say about this?” Magneto pressed. 

“We haven’t asked him. Easier to get forgiveness than permission,” Alex shrugged. 

“Right. Right,” Magneto said, turning and striding towards a giant Ford Cortina. He looked at them from behind the steering wheel. “Well?” he called. “Are we going to Westchester or what?” 

Hank, Darwin, and Alex looked at each other before scrambling to the car. There was no way they’d miss this. 

***

The Professor was waiting for them at the front door. Hank cringed inwardly -- why did he ever try to surprise the man, again? 

“Charles,” Magneto called as he swung himself out of the car. He strode to the Professor, dropping to his knees when he reached him. Magneto reached up and cupped the Professor’s face, incongruously gentle for the man who, last Hank had seen him, had pushed piping through Logan and tossed him into a river. Speaking of…

Hank turned away from the quiet scene between the two men and jogged to Logan, taking one hand in both of his to calm his boyfriend down before any blood was shed. Logan didn’t break his glare from Magneto, but he seemed to relax at Hank’s touch.

“Oh, old friend,” the Professor muttered softly, “I have missed you.” He had reached up to clasp Magneto’s wrists, and his eyes shimmered with emotion or unshed tears or perhaps a secondary mutation? That would be worth looking into….

“And I you, old friend,” Magneto all but croaked. “We may not see eye to eye, but Charles, I will not lose you to someone else.”

“You fool,” Charles chided fondly. “There was never anyone else.”

“But the children said--”

“And you believed them? Darling, surely you realize they were only trying to goad you into coming back. Are..are you back?”

“Of course, Charles. Of course, I don’t know how but we’ll make this work, I swear.” Everyone averted their gazes as the Professor pulled Magneto up and into his lap before wheeling back into the house.

After a long moment, Alex cleared his throat. “So...I’m guessing we shouldn’t tell Magneto and the Professor that we actually did contact everyone and it wasn’t a clever ploy to make Magneto jealous and run back to the Professor’s sad, waiting arms?”

_Not unless you’d like to find all your zippers suddenly sealed shut, amongst other irritations,_ the Professor’s voice broke into their heads. _Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to welcome Erik back. If anyone distracts us in the next, oh, three hours, I’ll make sure you all think you’re baby goats._

Hank could be stupid all right. And right now, he knew, the stupidest thing he’d ever done was not kept a bottle of booze for himself for emergencies like this. He’d need it.

**Author's Note:**

> I will never let any character have any dignity. Sorry, folks, that's how I roll. Also, everything is better with Mean Girls references.


End file.
